Learn how to turn the supposedly unreachable people in your lives into allies, devoted customers, loyal colleagues, and lifetime friends.
Foreword by Keith Ferrazzi, author of Never Eat Alone and Who's Got Your Back The first make-or-break step in persuading anyone to do any thing is getting them to hear you out. Whether the person is a harried colleague, a stressed-out client, or an insecure spouse, things will go from bad to worse if you can't break through emotional barricades. Drawing on his experience as a psychiatrist, business consultant, and coach, and backed by the latest scientific research, author Mark Goulston shares simple but powerful techniques readers can use to really get through to people-whether they're coworkers, friends, strangers, or enemies. Just Listen reveals how to: Make a powerful and positive first impression Listen effectively Make even a total stranger-a potential client, perhaps-feel "felt" Talk an angry or aggressive person away from an instinctual, unproductive reaction and toward a more rational mindset Achieve buy-in, the linchpin of all persuasion, negotiation, sales, and more Getting through is a fine art but a critical one. With the help of this groundbreaking book readers will be able to turn the "impossible" and "unreachable" people in their lives into allies, devoted customers, loyal colleagues, and lifetime friends.
"Goulston provides brilliant yet doable techniques for getting through to others. . . .This book transcends the self-help category by promoting real communication." --Library Journal Is there someone in your life who just won't listen, no matter what you say? Maybe it's someone at work: a subordinate, a team member, a client, your boss. Or maybe it's someone at home: a partner, a parent, a defiant teen, an angry ex. If only you could get that person into a calm and receptive state of mind, you'd probably be able to work out your differences. . . . Just Listen will get you there. In this powerful yet engaging book, acclaimed psychiatrist and business coach Mark Goulston reveals how to get through to anyone--even when successful communication seems impossible--with simple yet remarkably effective tools and techniques that can make your words compelling and break down the walls that keep you from getting through to the people you need to buy into your ideas and goals. How effective are Mark's techniques? One of his areas of expertise is training FBI and police hostage negotiators to handle life-or-death situations. "The same tips I teach these professionals for building empathy, de-escalating conflict, and gaining buy-in will work in any situation," Mark says. "Whether you're fresh out of school . . . or a CEO, once you master these skills you can take them wherever you go in your career and your life." Just Listen has given tens of thousands of people the tools and confidence to get through to the unreachable people in their lives. With the proven techniques in this remarkable book, you'll learn how to turn frustrating situations into positive outcomes and rewarding relationships. Just refer to Just Listen --whenever a job, a sale, or a relationship hangs in the balance. Mark Goulston, MD, is a business advisor, consultant, coach, speaker, and psychiatrist. The author of Get Out of Your Own Way and other popular books, he blogs for Harvard Business Review, Fast Company, Business Insider, Huffington Post , and Psychology Today ; cohosts a weekly radio show; and is featured frequently in major media, including The Wall Street Journal, Fortune, Newsweek, Time , CNN, Fox News , and the TODAY show. Connect withMark Goulston: Website: markgoulston.com [email protected] Facebook.com/markgoulston
MARK GOULSTON is a business advisor, consultant, coach, speaker, and psychiatrist. The author of Get Out of Your Own Way and other popular books, he blogs for Harvard Business Review, Fast Company, Business Insider, The Huffington Post, and Psychology Today; co-hosts a weekly radio show; and is featured frequently in major media, including The Wall Street Journal, Fortune, Newsweek, Time, CNN, Fox News, and the TODAY show.
Foreword by Keith Ferrazzi xiii
Preface to the Paperback Edition xv
SECTION I The Secret to Reaching Anyone 1
1 Who's Holding YOU Hostage? 3
2 A Little Science: How the Brain Goes from "No" to "Yes" 14
SECTION II The 9 Core Rules for Getting Through to Anyone 25
3 Move Yourself from "Oh F#@& to OK" 27
4 Rewire Yourself to Listen 36
5 Make the Other Person Feel "Felt" 45
6 Be More Interested Than Interesting 55
7 Make People Feel Valuable 64
8 Help People to Exhale Emotionally and Mentally 69
9 Check Your Dissonance at the Door 77
10 When All Seems Lost-Bare Your Neck 87
11 Steer Clear of Toxic People 94
SECTION III 12 Easy-to-Use Tools for Achieving Buy-in and Getting Through 109
12 The Impossibility Question 111
13 The Magic Paradox 116
14 The Empathy Jolt 123
15 The Reverse Play, Empathy Jolt #2 132
16 "Do You Believe That?" 138
17 The Power of "Hmmm. . . ." 142
18 The Stipulation Gambit 150
19 From Transaction to Transformation 155
20 Side by Side 163
21 Fill in the Blanks 170
22 Take It All the Way to "No" 176
23 The Power Thank You and Power Apology 180
SECTION IV Fast Fixes for 7 Challenging Situations 187
24 The Team from Hell 189
25 Climbing the Ladder 194
26 The Narcissist at the Table 197
27 Stranger in Town 200
28 The Human Explosion 204
29 Getting Through to Yourself 209
30 Six Degrees of Separation 215
About the Author 231
[starred review] "Drawing on his experience as a psychiatrist, business consultant, and FBI hostage-negotiation trainer, Goulston provides brilliant yet doable techniques for getting through to others... This book transcends the self-help category by promoting real communication." --Library Journal "Who would benefit from reading Just Listen? I can't think of anyone who wouldn't --customer service staff, managers, salespeople, parents, you name it..." --The Chronicle Herald "We're all held captive when someone refuses to communicate. [Goulston's] 12 easy tools to achieve buy-in and seven fast fixes for challenging situations are particularly helpful for everyday use." --Working Strategies "We all have difficult and unpleasant conversations throughout our lives...Mark gives us the key to not only making these conversations smoother, but help you communicate on a deeper level." --Optimized Geek "The most useful (five-star) book on communicating... Everyone can be a better communicator with the right knowledge, and this book makes learning interesting and easy." --Lindsey Novak, nationally syndicated "At Work" columnist "It's a measure of how contentious work relationships can get that the author, a psychiatrist, draws on hostage-negotiation techniques to instruct readers on how to deal with 'defiant executives, angry employees or self-destructing management teams'.... Mission accomplished." --Time Magazine "Hell, Sartre pointed out, is other people, but it turns out that there are ways to make them less devilish...trick is to learn to really listen in the way described by this book." --Accounting Today "Goulston helps the reader to learn how to get through to anyone." --Business Now Magazine "A primer on dealing with hard-to-reach people in virtually every scenario -- defiant executives, angry employees, families in turmoil, warring couples -- through use of well-honed psychological techniques. Illustrative snippets from counseling session reveal martial-arts like techniques: potent on their own, but even more powerful when you combine them. Chapter summaries feature action steps preparing readers to encounter similar scenarios, yielding a guide that is as entertaining as it is useful." --CareerBuilder.com "[Mark Goulston] understands communication, and he understands people...Who would benefit from reading Just Listen? I can't think of anyone who wouldn't." --The Chronicle Herald "useful and applicable techniques and strategies for everything from getting teams to work together, to handling narcissistic clients (or is that a redundancy?), and getting your message across to even the most impenetrable people" --Accounting Today "an impressive bag of tricks... a guide that is as entertaining as it is useful" --Publishers Weekly "Just Listen is not only helpful for any kind of business, it teaches a skill that will aid you outside of the office too." --Niche Magazine "Just Listen is an excellent guide for learning how to break down barriers." --Pittsburgh Post-Gazette "Just Listen is a banquet of approaches and ideas that's easy to devour the first time around, and a flavorful feast whenever you use portions as a reference book. It's certainly one of the best how-to books of the year." --Inland Empire Business Journal ..".useful insights into opening anyone up--a recalcitrant vendor, a desirable prospect, a client dragging ass....Goulston's words gave me sizable goosebumps." --Forbes.com ..".offers nine core rules for reaching anyone, from Beelzebub down to the lowliest staffer, as well as a host of easy-to-use tools, concrete action steps, and illuminating examples." --Accounting Today ..".provides numerous insights and tips for impactful listening written in an engaging and thoroughly enjoyable manner." --Daily Times "Once in a while a book comes along that makes us slow down, become introspective and thus, learn and transform...Such a book is Just Listen." --Parking Today ..".ranks as one of my all-time favorite books and is, in my humble opinion, the BEST book written on this very important topic." --Linkedin ..".filled with great questions that will absolutely 'Increase Your Leadership Effectiveness X10!' This is a must buy book for every leader and every coach! --Bob Tiede, Leading with Questions blog "Readers learn how to listen effectively, shift an angry or aggressive person into a calmer, more receptive state, and use empathy jolts to bridge a communication gap." --Idealist Careers "Backed by the latest scientific research, simple but powerful techniques that can turn frustration and anger into engagement are explained." -HR magazine (Hong Kong)
Getting through to someone is a fine art, indeed, but a critical one nonetheless. Whether you are dealing with a harried colleague, a stressed-out client, or an insecure spouse, things will go from bad to worse if you can't break through emotional barricades and get your message thoroughly communicated and registered.Drawing on his experience as a psychiatrist, business consultant, and coach, author Mark Goulston shares simple but powerful techniques readers can use to break through the stubborn and hardened outer layers of coworkers, friends, strangers, or even enemies. Just Listen reveals how to: Make a powerful and positive first impression Listen effectively Talk an angry or aggressive person away from an unproductive reaction and toward a more rational mindset Achieve buy-in--the linchpin of all persuasion, negotiation, and sales* And moreWhether you're dealing with an angry client, a potential customer, or even a friend or family member who isn't seeing eye to eye with you, your goal is most likely persuasion. And the first make-or-break step to getting there is having them hear you out. The invaluable principles in Just Listen will get you through that first tough step with anyone.
"Who would benefit from reading Just Listen ? I can't think of anyone who wouldn't -customer service staff, managers, salespeople, parents, you name it…" --The Chronicle Herald
Chapter 1: Who's Holding You Hostage? Good management is the art of making problems so interesting and their solutions so constructive that everyone wants to get to work and deal with them. --PAUL HAWKEN, AUTHOR, NATURAL CAPITALISM Right now, there's someone in your life you need to reach. But you can't, and it's driving you crazy. Maybe it's somebody at work: a subordinate, a team member, a client, your boss. Or maybe it's somebody at home: a partner, a parent, a defiant teen, an angry "ex." You've tried everything--logic, persuasion, forcefulness, pleading, anger--but you've hit a wall every time. You're mad, scared, or frustrated. And you're thinking, "What now?" Here's what I want you to do: Think of this as a hostage situation. Why? Because you can't get free. You're trapped by another person's resistance, fear, hostility, apathy, stubbornness, self-cen teredness, or neediness--and by your own inability to take effective action. And that's where I come in. I'm just an average guy--husband, father, doctor--but a long time ago, I discovered that I had a special talent. You could drop me into just about any situation, and I could reach people. I could persuade defiant executives, angry employees, or self-destructing management teams to work cooperatively toward solutions. I could get through to families in turmoil and to married couples who hated each other's guts. I could even change the minds of hostage takers and desperate people contemplating suicide. I wasn't sure what I was doing differently from everybody else, but I could tell it worked. I knew I wasn't smarter than everybody else, and I knew my success wasn't just luck because what I did worked consistently, and it worked with all kinds of people in every type of situation. But why did it work? In analyzing my methods, I found the answer. It turned out I'd happened on a simple, quick set of techniques--some I'd discovered on my own, and others I'd learned from mentors and colleagues--that create traction. That is, they pull people toward me, even if those people are trying to pull away. To understand this, picture yourself driving up a steep hill. Your tires slip and slide and can't grab hold. But downshift, and you get control. It's like pulling the road to meet you. Most people upshift when they want to get through to other people. They persuade. They encourage. They argue. They push. And in the process, they create resistance. When you use the techniques I offer, you'll do exactly the opposite--you'll listen, ask, mirror, and reflect back to people what you've heard. When you do, they will feel seen, understood, and felt--and that unexpected downshift will draw them to you. The powerful techniques you'll learn in this book can move people rapidly and easily, often within minutes, from "no" to "yes." I employ them every day to fix broken families and help warring couples fall in love again. I use them to save companies on the brink of meltdown, get feuding managers to work together effectively, and empower salespeople to make "impossible" sales. And I use them to help FBI agents and hostage negotiators succeed in the toughest situations possible, when life and death are on the line.
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